On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
