Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
