did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
