sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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