Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
even my farts smell like vagina
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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