Your dad touched me again.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
