he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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