I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize