Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
