I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
