So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
