Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize