I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
