I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
