I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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