Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
