there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
