The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
