Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
