my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
