We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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