Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
