I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
