So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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