Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
