... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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