There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
