I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
