My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
