dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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