I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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