i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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