Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
