Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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