So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
