watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
