It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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