my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
