First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
