Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
