I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize