More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize