Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
