Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
