My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
