I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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