there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
