i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
