then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
