At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
