Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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