Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
