She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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